


“No Regrets"

by nimrod262



Category: Biohazard | Resident Evil (Gameverse)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Inspired by Music, Loneliness, M/M, Nivanfield, Short One Shot, Strong Language, Tom Rush, Walker Brothers, breaking up, music video, no regrets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-13
Updated: 2019-09-13
Packaged: 2020-10-17 15:30:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20623349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nimrod262/pseuds/nimrod262
Summary: A short, inspired by and written around the lyrics of the Tom Rush classic ‘No Regrets’.  Piers has gone, Chris is alone.  Set around 2022 in my main Nivanfield AU.





	“No Regrets"

**Author's Note:**

> The Tom Rush ballad, ‘No Regrets”, became an ear-worm recently. So I decided to write a Nivanfield short around it. I’ve chosen the Walker Brother’s 1975 cover version for the music video at the end. It has all the emotion and a great guitar solo.

I’m having a dream. A bad one. I mean sonofabitch bad. So I wake myself up from it, just like you’ve taught me to do. And then I roll over and call out to you.

“Ace … Piers?”

You don’t reply. I put my hand out, searching for the warmth of your body, seeking reassurance. But your side of the bed is cold. Like stone, like a grave. My gut wrenches and my heart feels like it’s being torn in two. And that’s when I realize it isn’t a dream. You aren’t there beside me, and you never will be again. Not now. You really have gone. It wasn’t a bad dream after all. It’s reality, and it’s a living nightmare.

I rub the night from my eyes. They sting, I must have been crying in my sleep again. That’s the time when I can’t control it. I push myself up on one arm, and I feel empty inside. Hollow, like half a man. Half alive … half dead. I fumble for the bedside clock. I’ve no idea of the time. I drop it on the floor. “Fuck!” But it doesn’t really matter. I’ve lost track of time anyway. You were my clock. How long has it been now? Three weeks, a month?

My gut won’t let up. I run to the bathroom and throw-up noisily. The remains of last night’s meager meal swills around the pan, but mainly it’s yellow bile. I’ve been running on empty for some time. Three weeks, a month? But I’ve still got plenty of bile.

Has it always been in me, or is it from the drink? I’ve had plenty of that too, these last three weeks … or is it a month?

The BSAA NAB is no more. A fading memory to most of the world, but a permanent scar to all those who’ve served in it. Not because they aren’t proud, but because of the dreadful things they’ve seen … and had to do. Watching a Zombie film or playing a combat video game can never capture a fraction of the stomach churning horror, the unimaginable terror, of the real thing. But it was the drug that kept us alive, kept us together. I can see that more clearly now. How the five years you’d been our Director, with me as your Operations Director, had started the cancer in our relationship. Growing unseen, gnawing away at our love, our partnership, cell by cell, emotion by emotion. Until one day only a cold indifference remained.

I had hoped our new life, working the river and the lumber that surrounds the Deuce of Hearts, would have fulfilled your desires. The two of us making a fresh start, you know? Once it would have done. But those five years wrought unexpected changes. You grew increasingly remote, and I retaliated and grew increasingly bitter. Oh, we hid it well of course. We were both practiced in the arts of camouflage and deception. No one knew. Not even your family or my sister. And if they did, they weren’t prepared to confront us. Besides, everyone had their own problems at the time, providing for their families, finding new careers. Chris and Piers will be OK, they’re inseparable, indivisible, they all said. Two halves of the same person, right? Sword and Shield. What could possibly go wrong? Gah! Everything, that’s what.

You said becoming retired had emasculated me. Ouch, you never did pull your punches. You said I’d slipped into always taking the easy option. A stay-at-home, couch-potato existence. You didn’t understand that that was all I’d ever wanted. A safe, loving, family life. The one denied me as a teenager. Didn’t I, didn’t we, deserve it? After the terrible things we’d seen, the inhuman things we’d had to do. Didn’t we deserve a quiet life, an inner peace? You said it sucked. You said far worse. And so I became the focus of your anger. You had outgrown me, and I couldn’t stand in your way. Because I loved you. Because I wanted you to have the things you deserved too.

We both cried at first, but especially me. And you grew to hate that as well. The man you’d found so inspiring once became flawed, no longer worthy of your respect, or your love. With my crutch kicked away from me, I found myself crawling in the dust and the despair. I couldn’t help myself Ace. You’d become far more of a support than I’d ever realized.

Oh Piers! I know your leaving was too long overdue. For far too long I’ve had nothing new to show to you. No more tricks to pull out of the bag when we were in a tight spot. No more goofy jokes at the most inappropriate moments. I’ve become a caricature, the muscle-bound action man with a child’s brain, who cries like a baby, and is just as helpless. And you? You didn’t need me holding you back. You grew into the role of Director like you were born to it. And when that door closed you simply walked across the corridor and through the next one. The new head of Bio Engineering for _PanFarma_, courtesy of their new CEO, Allison Bown … and I thought she was a friend!

Perhaps she thought she was doing us both a favor, but Christ Piers, the cost! California was never gonna’ be my home. I need space, woods, water, and clean fresh air. You knew that once. I’ve done with all the science, the technology. Command, satellites, earpieces, guns, monsters, all of it. All I want now is the sun on my back and the wind in my face. And us. Just us … and the Ruffster. Fuck, you even took him! What’s he gonna’ do in ‘Paradise’ huh? Get arrested for peeing on plastic palms in the parking lot?

I know you didn’t want me to drive you to the airport, but it gave me another hour with you. I know you didn’t want me to hug you, but it was for the last time dammit! I know you didn’t want me to cry. So I didn’t, not then. And neither did you, although I so wanted you to. But no, you kept that sniper cool all the way through.

I couldn’t bring myself to say goodbye at the time, only later … as I went back to my truck. Goodbye dry eyes, I watched your plane, fade off west of the moon. And it felt so strange, to walk away alone.

And then I repeated my safety mantra. You taught me about those, remember? When you helped me to recover from my PTSD. We’d practice in our garden, under the cherry tree we planted together. And now I have a mantra to recover from you, from us. There’s irony for you Piers Nivans. This is it.

“There’s no regrets, no tears goodbye. I don’t want you back. We’d only cry again. Say goodbye again.”

I thought it up myself. It’s meant to keep me strong. Cos’ I think that’s what you’d want. If I say it enough it’s bound to work eventually. Well, that’s my plan. But the days hang heavy now in the Deuce of Hearts. The hours that were yours echo like empty rooms. The thoughts we used to share I now keep alone. You were my sounding board Ace, you brought me out of myself. You had this knack of making me talk, even when I didn’t want to, or when I just didn’t know what to say. But now I speak to the silence. Pretty soon I won’t even do that. I woke last night and spoke to you, not thinking you were gone. And it felt so strange, to lie awake alone.

“There’s no regrets, no tears goodbye. I don’t want you back. We’d only cry again. Say goodbye again.”

Finn and Danny are both devastated. We didn’t think about the collateral damage did we? Blue on Blue. Finn won’t leave me on my own for five minutes. If he’s not here, he’s on the phone. Danny’s more withdrawn, like he’s trying to make up his mind who’s fault it is. I expected him to take your side. You two were always close, you don’t need to deny it anymore. If it wasn’t for Finn, I think he would. But he stands by him, the way you used to stand by me … Jeez, what a clusterfuck!

Our friends are trying to turn my nights to day. Mary and Mac have been fantastic, Andy and Rosa too. They’ve all tried to help, keeping me occupied, taking me out, fixing me up with dates. But they all act like you never existed. No one dares mention your name. Strange faces in your place can’t keep the ghosts away. Night time is the worst. Now, just beyond the darkest hour and just behind the dawn. It still feels so strange to lead my life alone. Oh crap, here I go again …

“There’s no regrets. No tears goodbye. I don’t want you back. We’d only cry again. Say goodbye again.”

Ahh, it’s no use. It’s not gonna work is it? I’ll try it one last time. I’ve got nothing else left to lose.

“There’s no regrets. No tears goodbye. I don’t want you back. We’d only cry again. Say goodbye again … Oh Piers.”

“What?”

“Piers?”

“Um, who else?”

“Is that really you?”

“Last time I checked.”

“Oh Piers! Mwah, mwah, mwah!”

“Hey, go easy Babe! I appreciate the attention, but don’t eat me!”

“Let me look at you.” I turn the bedside light on. “You’re here, you’re not a ghost?”

“Coming back from the dead once was enough for me. God, have you been crying Babe? You look dreadful, why didn’t you wake me?”

“You’d gone, left me for good. In my dream. You took Ruff too. Oh Piers, it was terrible, it was … Gah! Mwah, mwah.”

“Hey, hush now, I’m not going anywhere. Not now, not ever.”

“Promise? I couldn’t bear it.”

“Cross my heart. It was only a bad dream, your worst fears. Whatever it was ain’t gonna’ happen, not with me looking after your six.”

“Oh, thank God! Oh Piers, I thought I’d lost you. Lost your love, your support, everything.”

“Shh, shh, it’s all right. None of that will ever be. You continue to inspire me, with your enthusiasm, your goodness, your love. You always have, and you always will.”

“So no regrets then? I need to hear it from you Ace.”

“No … well, one perhaps.”

“Oh! What?”

“That I didn’t tell you I loved you sooner. You?”

“Yeah, the same, I wished you’d told me sooner too. Ha! I don’t know what the future holds my love. I can’t offer you any certainty, or some fancy well-paid job. I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be Babe. I don’t expect you to. Whatever it is , we’ll face it together. You and me.”

“Really? As two, like Sword and Shield?”

“No, as one. Like Nivanfield.”

“No Regrets”

by Tom Rush

I know your leaving is too long overdue  
For far too long I’ve had nothin’ new to show to you  
Goodbye dry eyes I watched your plane, fade off west of the moon  
And it felt so strange, to walk away alone  
  
There’s no regrets  
No tears goodbye  
I don’t want you back  
We’d only cry again  
Say goodbye again  
  
The hours that were yours echo like empty rooms  
The thoughts we used to share I now keep alone  
I woke last night and spoke to you, not thinking you were gone  
And it felt so strange, to lie awake alone  
  
There’s no regrets  
No tears goodbye  
I don’t want you back  
We’d only cry again  
Say goodbye again  
  
Our friends are trying to turn my nights to day  
Strange faces in your place can’t keep the ghosts away  
Now just beyond the darkest hour and just behind the dawn  
It still feels so strange to lead my life alone  
  
There’s no regrets  
No tears goodbye  
I don’t want you back  
We’d only cry again  
Say goodbye again  
  
There’s no regrets  
No tears goodbye  
I don’t want you back  
We’d only cry again  
Say goodbye again

Lyrics by Tom Rush  
© 1966 Elektra Records  
Wild Indigo Music (BMI)

**Author's Note:**

> There, everything was alright in the end. Like the shower scene in ‘Dallas', it was all a dream. OMG, that dates me! LoL.


End file.
